My grandmother could be passive aggressive in ways that would make me laugh, and at other times ways that were shocking and would be infuriating. I remember one time I was dressed up to go to a party or something like that, and I came down into the living room, to chat for a bit before I went out – and I was a teenager at the time.

She said, “I like that outfit so much more than the one you wore yesterday.”

Thanks? Is it a compliment, an insult or just her opinion? Is it all three rolled into one unpleasant, unloving moment. Her own self-dislike projected onto me?

One of the ways that I’ve played small a million times is to engage in passive aggressive behavior. One of my least favorite relationship challenges is other people’s passive aggressive behavior. I dislike it so much because I became a master of it and I know all too well how much pain I caused myself engaging in it. It’s a loud cry for Love.

Passive aggressive anger feels like a weapon.
It can destroy our relationships and any hope of intimacy.

Here are some thoughts about what it is and how to recognize it:

when you say nice things and use nice words, but you’re actually wishing to irritate, frustrate, confuse or invalidate
when you’re avoiding being direct and saying things are “fine” when they’re not, and then taking your upset out out on others
saying it doesn’t matter to you, when it really does and then holding it against them
Not being clear, and thinking that it’s the other person’s job to be a detective and figure out what you’re really thinking and feeling
anytime you’re trying to manipulate someone
pretending to be really helpful when you’re actually not helpful at all
pretending to care when you don’t
withholding approval, love and affection

Here are some things that can be passive-aggressive – depending upon the underlying reason for the behavior:

sullenness
procrastination
Being cold and withdrawn
deliberate repeated failure to do what’s agreed to.

What many people don’t wish to look at and be aware of is that all passive-aggressive behavior is a sign of anger. It’s a sign of great frustration and feeling powerless.

Underneath the anger is usually fear, and the fear is often related to having been hurt in the past and feeling afraid that the past is repeating. The anger is the symptom of the old, unhealed wound.

The anger is actually a protective personality device.

When anger is expressed as passive-aggressive it’s a sure sign the person feels disempowered and feels unable/unwilling to be direct because it’s not safe – they’re afraid.

This can be intensely frustrating to others because there’s no hope of resolution. Passive-aggressive behavior that’s allowed to continue becomes like an infestation of termites that spreads and spreads until it ruins the relationship and makes it uninhabitable.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have healing and get to a place of profound Love from there – you can. Love heals ALL.

Most people engage in some forms of passive aggressive behavior. It’s a great act of service to be compassionate, loving, and gently direct. It takes tremendous willingness to turn the relationship over to Spirit and to stand in each moment and look for the loving choices.

This is what we’re called to do now. We’re all being strongly called to get our relationships, our houses and our lives in order. Top to bottom. If we delay, it’s just going to be more challenging.

If we’d like to live in a loving and peaceful world, we can begin with our own home.

In case you haven’t noticed, the call to Love is going to keep getting stronger. There’s less and less room for hiding, avoiding and delaying. Our time is now.

This is Part 1 of a 3 Part series – Tomorrow, I’ll write more about how I’ve learned to overcome this passive-aggressive pain in my life. I love you and we can do this together!

Today, you can join me at our Sunday celebration – Sundays With Spirit – there’s no cost, but you do have to register if you haven’t already. We come together on Zoom at 3pm eastern – all are welcome!

• Join me on my Stop Playing Small Online Retreat July 26,
• follow that with my Finding Freedom Spiritual Bootcamp in September and save $300
• and then be ready to ROCK in my Masterful Living Course 2025 in January.

You won’t regret your choice, and you’ll only be so glad you did – at least that’s what I hear from the people who’ve done it.

Get going. Take action. Be aggressive about working with your mind. DO NOT DELAY. If you’re waiting, if you’re not getting the results you’d like, what are you waiting for?

Don’t take my word for it, read the testimonials from those who have done this work with me. They believed that nothing would work for them, and they were willing to do something different anyway. Now, they’re not playing small anymore. They’re not letting fear dictate their life. They have a real and powerful connection with Spirit.