One of the great improvements I’ve made in my life is to think before I speak.

One of the questions I ask when I’m in that pre-speaking contemplation is:  Is it kind?

Sometimes things can be perceived to be helpful, but when I’m honest with myself I can recognize that it’s not kind to say what I’m thinking.

I can think of an example between a husband and wife.  One of them observed that the other had started a small reorganization project, and said, “it’s really not a good idea to have started that project now.”  The other one replied, “I realized that once I started.”

If something is obvious like that, and the person can probably see that for themselves, what’s the benefit of pointing it out?

Is it to be right?  To make them wrong?  To feel superior?  Ugh.  I’ve learned that will just make me feel awful later.

I used to point out the obvious all the time.  I used to offer critical feedback frequently.  And then I realized that it wasn’t kind and people really do not want my feedback unless they’ve asked for it.

I’ve realized that many of us have been trained by our families to constantly give feedback, a.k.a. criticism and unrequested advice, whether we’d like it or not.  As a spiritual counselor for years, and as someone who learns from her mistakes, I’m very clear that giving advice, criticism and feedback to those who don’t ask for it is a great way to strain relationships and break trust.  It can absolutely destroy relationships.

I’ve had loved ones who insisted that I had to listen to their advice.  And I’ve told them that, in actuality, I don’t have to listen to it at all, and I won’t – when their advice isn’t helpful, it’s just their judgments against me, I’m not helping anyone by listening to them.

I don’t have an interest in perpetuating people’s guilt and shame by giving them permission to dump their opinions on me.  What they think of me is none of my business.

The exception to that is for me as the leader of this ministry.  Although sometimes the “feedback” people have is really just their projection of their dissatisfaction with themselves in the form of whining and complaining, most of the time people’s feedback about the ministry is extremely helpful and supportive and I welcome it.

There’s definitely a real benefit to our relationships to simply quit giving people feedback and criticism that they haven’t asked for.  From time to time I can see something that seems like it would be helpful for someone I care about to know and I go to Spirit to discern whether or not it’s going to bring benefit to share or not.

In those times, I might approach with “If you’re interested, I have some thoughts for you about ….” I’d like to get their buy-in, before I bother sharing anything.  What’s the point of giving “advice” to someone who doesn’t request it?  Isn’t it wasting both of our time?

I’d rather be loving, than critical.

I’d rather be supportive.

I look to Spirit to guide me.

I let Love lead.  I may not always do it perfectly, but I’m getting better at it every day, and that matters!

Right now, I’ve got two speed-healing programs with early-bird specials happening –

Stop Playing Small Online Retreat

Finding Freedom From Fear Spiritual Bootcamp

If you’re interested in signing up for both of them, we have a combo special where you can get an even bigger savings right now. Don’t wait though, this special doesn’t last much longer – and of course, we always have payment plans.

For the last 10 years or so I’ve been offering my Stop Playing Small Online Retreat. During the pandemic I started offering it online and it’s been a wonderful success. I like it when we can gather together and do a lot of deep healing in a short period of time. I call it speed-healing. I’m interested in letting go of all resistance and all belief in littleness. It works, that’s why I’ve been doing it for 10 years.

My Finding Freedom From Fear Spiritual Bootcamp is a program I’ve been offering for 17 years – I keep offering it because it’s SO effective. And right now, you can get the early-bird.

LATEST PODCAST EPISODE: my podcast’s topic is Are We Avoiding Healing? Each of us is avoiding healing in a number of ways, but some of those ways may not be obvious. When we can get more clarity and see the avoidance for what it is, we can shift and change, we can go the other way and the healing comes pouring through. In this episode, I offer simple ways that I shifted my perspective to activate healing opportunities every day – and that made all the difference. Every day is a day of healing and transformation when we’re willing!