One of my favorite parenting stories of all time is one that I heard Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi, tell about 25 years ago.  I think of this story often as it is such a beautiful example of loving parenting and taking responsibility rather than attacking, blaming and punishing.

When we offer correction, responsibility and Love instead of punishment, everyone wins.

How My Father Taught Me Non-Violence by Arun Gandhi

“I was 16 years old and living with my parents at the institute my grandfather had founded 18 miles outside of Durban, South Africa, in the middle of the sugar plantations. We were deep in the country and had no neighbors, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going to town to visit friends or go to the movies.

One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day conference, and I jumped at the chance. Since I was going to town, my mother gave me a list of groceries she needed and, since I had all day in town, my father ask me to take care of several pending chores, such as getting the car serviced. When I dropped my father off that morning, he said, ‘I will meet you here at 5:00 p.m., and we will go home together.’

After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double-feature that I forgot the time. It was 5:30 before I remembered. By the time I ran to the garage and got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting for me, it was almost 6:00. He anxiously asked me, ‘Why were you late?’ 

I was so ashamed of telling him I was watching a John Wayne western movie that I said, ‘The car wasn’t ready, so I had to wait,’ not realizing that he had already called the garage. When he caught me in the lie, he said: ‘There’s something wrong in the way I brought you up that didn’t give you the confidence to tell me the truth. In order to figure out where I went wrong with you, I’m going to walk home 18 miles and think about it.’

So, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk home in the dark on mostly unpaved, unlit roads. I couldn’t leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours I drove behind him, watching my father go through this agony for a stupid lie that I uttered.I decided then and there that I was never going to lie again. 

I often think about that episode and wonder, if he had punished me the way we punish our children, whether I would have learned a lesson at all. I don’t think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on doing the same thing. But this single non-violent action was so powerful that it is still as if it happened yesterday. That is the power of non-violence.” 

I’ve studied non-violence for many years.  The best way to describe it is non-violence is the practice of Love.  It takes courage to Love and to be loving.  This story shows Arun’s father had the strength and courage to stay in his heart, take responsibility and not to blame Arun, punish him, shame him or make him feel guilty.  That’s incredibly loving.  This is the Love that I aspire to express and demonstrate every moment of every day of my life.

On a side note, Arun’s Grandfather, Mahatma Gandhi, greatly admired Jesus and his teaching in the Sermon on the Mount.

Jesus taught forgiveness through Love and so did Gandhi.

Both men helped to transform our understanding of Love, compassion and forgiveness and taught us how to live a life of great Love, far beyond anything we’d previously imagined.  They both taught non-violence as a way of life and have been my great teachers.

Here’s the link to the story where I found it which is printed in its entirety here.

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