This is the kind of Saturday adventure with friends that I love to share.  Simple.  Sweet. Summer pleasures.  

We had walked about a mile when, unbeknownst to me, she spotted some ducks and geese in someone’s yard as we passed. I walk her on a 15 foot lead, so if she takes off on a run when she’s right next to me she can gather strong momentum before I even feel the pull on the leash.Bodhi’s a golden retriever, and they’re bird dogs. It’s in her DNA to go after birds and retrieve them. Lately she’s very controlled around rabbits, but she still goes after birds. Especially water birds like ducks.

Well, she pulled me so hard, down this dirt driveway which was on an incline and I managed to keep my balance and stay on my feet for about 20 feet, but she was pulling so hard, and we were moving so fast, I just went over. I don’t know how it all transpired, but I hit the top of my head hard, I hit my forearm, and, as I discovered later, I somehow managed to scrape up my hip, both shoulders and across my back. It was like a rolling tumble. Nothing was broken, but I got a nasty gash on my arm.

It took me a second to compose myself after the bang on my head, but I didn’t have time to rest because I had to get her off of the birds before she caught one. I managed to find the strength to grab her lead and get her to come with me back to the road. I was yelling so much, but no one came out of the house despite the cars and trucks there.

Back on the road, I tried to see what was going on with my forearm. Blood dripping down and pooling around my watch and then on to the ground. It looked a little cottage cheese coming out. Ugh. I usually have a tissue in my pocket, but not today. We walked the half mile back to the car as quickly as possible while I phoned my next door neighbor who I know does volunteer work as search and rescue, and her husband was in the military and then the police.

I asked, “do you know anything about first aid?” She asked why, and I explained I had this bloody gash in my arm. She said she’d grab her first aid stuff and meet me at my house. I have a bunch of things on hand too, so we sat on the deck and she examined it. We called my other neighbor who lives with his brother and his husband, a doctor and a nurse, but they were off camping. We then called another local doctor who works on the volunteer ambulance – see, we live 30 minutes from the nearest urgent care, ER facility.

The doctor would have happily come over, (people are so nice here) except he was watching seven children and the only adult. So, I asked if I could text a photo of what it looked like. He saw it and said, you need to get stitches for that. I’d do it, but I can’t leave the kids. The other doc on my street would have done it, but he was on vacation.

So, Carol offered to drive me to the ER (urgent care was closed after 5pm on a Saturday). I held in my mind that it wouldn’t be crowded – it would be about 5:30 by the time we got there and it might be a good break in the flow for them. I knew I could drive myself, but I also knew it wouldn’t be kind to myself. That’s the type of thing I would have done in the past. Carol’s the same way, she would have insisted on driving her self too.

I’m getting ready for my Stop Playing Small Online Retreat at the end of the month – and these are the things I’m thinking of – the ways that we COULD treat ourselves kindly, but don’t. In the past, I would have toughed it out. It wouldn’t have been hard to do, but it wouldn’t have been kind or compassionate. Self-care has become my thing. Not in some pretentious way, but just always thinking, what’s the kind thing to do.

We drove to the ER with a temporary bandage, and there was only one gentleman ahead of me. I got right in, and the triage nurse, Kristen, who was wonderful. She explained everything to me and she was absolutely lovely. She asked if I was on any meds, did I drink much alcohol, etc. I said that I don’t drink much alcohol, but I’d had a tiny bit at the farmer’s market because I love vanilla and there was a man in booth from a distillery who had a vanilla rum that I tasted. She asked if I like rum cake, and I said my grandmother used to make one that was delicious and I used to make it too. Then told me where to get the best rum cake ever that was by this company that started making cakes to support scholarships for kids. Gourmet Bakery is the name.

Then, I had to have the wound cleaned and that was a small production. Then it had to be numbed, and stitched up – 10 stitches. The good news is no stitches needed on my head, just cleaning the cuts. I managed to figure out the day’s NY Times Worldle in just 3 tries, but it took me a while. It really stumped me and kept me busy while I was being fixed up. I got the word of the day, ENACT, when the final stitches were going in. The doc who sewed me up, I can’t remember her name, but she was so sweet and lovely too – everyone was. I heard one of the nurses say “don’t you wish everyone was as nice as this one,” referring to me.

It took a few hours to get it all done, but it wasn’t that painful and it was pleasant, all things considered.

Here I am writing this up on Sunday morning and I’ve got abrasions in a surprising number of places across my hip, both shoulders and back and I don’t know how that even happened. My arm hurts, my head hurts, but aspirin are helping and I’m fine. I slept pretty well. I didn’t get too much of an adrenaline rush in the fall. It was a cool night. I slept pretty well and didn’t need any pain killers.

What’s great is the whole experience didn’t bother me too much. The only moment of upset was when I was walking back to my car, calling, Carol, my neighbor, with blood dripping out of my arm, and I’d just been able to see a little bit of the gash in my arm and it looked like cottage cheese was coming out of the bloody gash. I started to cry because I was both feeling so vulnerable and so grateful that I could reach out to Carol who is so strong and so sweet both at the same time.

Carol’s got big strong Mama energy and that was what I needed – she brings it with this really genuine nurturing sweetness that’s also no nonsense. She’s the kind of person you could call in the middle of the night, in a blizzard when it’s 20 below zero and she’d be happy to come over and hold you hair back while you puked your guts out and make sure everyone in the house was okay and she’d stay and make a healthy breakfast for your family if needed.

When she dropped me off she offered to come in and do anything I needed to feed Bodhi and Sattva who hadn’t had their dinner yet, but I was fine by then. I fed us all and relaxed a bit and went to bed.

I’m so glad I’ve learned NOT to be tough anymore like I used to. I can tell you some stories about the past, but I’ll save it for another day.

If you feel like you might be playing small, holding yourself back, toughing it out, ignoring your needs or letting other people treat you poorly because of your beliefs about yourself – if you think maybe those beliefs are false and could be eliminated, and if you have a willingness to do some inner work to make a real and lasting change then please consider joining me and some other folks just like you who are SO DONE WITH PLAYING SMALL and ready to let those patterns go.

In 2 weeks something amazing is going to happen and it’s called my Stop Playing Small Online Retreat  – let’s get some real results and unblock the flow of Love in our lives.  There’s a whole lot of healing going to happen!