I didn’t realize how much time, energy and money I was investing in being upset.  I can remember being upset and worried so much of the time that it just felt like it was constant.  I truly had no idea that my life could be different, that Peace was possible.

Honestly, I used to feel that my life SHOULD be different, but I didn’t really understand how to get there.  I can remember walking around New York City, where I lived in the 1980’s, listening to my walkman.  

Walking and walking everywhere – partly to save the subway fare and partly for the exercise – l was often ruminating on my worries and fears, and trying to figure out how to change things in the world so that I’d feel better about myself.

I was completely convinced that if I had more money, a better body, and if I lived a more exciting and glamorous life, that I would be validated by those things.  I believed that if I were validated by the things in life I would feel better about myself.  I had really bought that line of thinking hook, line and sinker.  

Those beliefs were being promoted everywhere on television, radio, movies, music, magazines, billboards and it felt so true.  

I also remember feeling that life was surreal.  It felt like I was in some kind of dream.  It really did.  I started feeling that around age 10.  That surreal feeling that I was outside of my body and watching myself, but not really in my experience would come and go.  Then in the mid 1980’s I started going through a period that I call “becoming disillusioned with the illusion.”

That was a hard time for me.  I didn’t know who to talk with about it or what to do.  I didn’t hear anyone else talking about that kind of feeling.  Now, I know that most people on a spiritual path have a period where they become profoundly disillusioned with the illusion.  It’s part of the healing of our mind.

When we’re in our teens and early 20’s we can sometimes be convinced that we’re going to magically have a great life.  We don’t realize it’s actually a fantasy with no foundation.  

There’s a difference between having a vision and living in a fantasy.

Now, I live from vision.  The vision is a peaceful world where I get to be truly helpful ALL of the time simply by living a loving life.  It’s about BEING the Love, the Light, the Peace.  Bringing benefit.  Living from the healed mind.  I think Peter Meyer’s song, “Holy Now,” is a great example of that.  It’s a beautiful song that I love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiypaURysz4

Fantasy always involves the body – the body/personality is the hero of the dream.  In fantasy it’s all about what the body is doing and experiencing and how others are perceiving the body – getting validation.  It’s about doing and getting validation for being special.

I’ve come to realize that fantasy is addictive, like a drug.  TV can be that way too.  These things become a substitute for real relationship and real Love.  

One thing I’m so very grateful for is that I didn’t grow up with social media.  It feels like a fantasy, drug, addiction for many people that can be deeply disorienting and bring tremendous pain.  Even suicide.  That’s the thing with the search for specialness.

The Manual for Teachers of A Course in Miracles states something that’s hard for us to understand and accept:

“It takes great learning to understand that all things, events, encounters and circumstances are helpful.”  M-4.I.A.4.5.

When we’re willing to accept this truth, it becomes apparent and our Peace increases.  We start to experience life differently and stop seeking Peace in specialness, where it cannot be found.

There’s no substitute for Peace.  Peace is what we already are.  When we realize that the only reason we don’t experience the Peace of God is because we’re more interested in something else – something temporary, something that will never last, then we can start realizing that Peace is the way that we are designed to live.

There’s no Peace in specialness, only an illusion of temporary happiness that will surely slip away.

Becoming disillusioned with the illusion and with trying to find a cause for happiness in the world, then we can begin to see that we’ve had the kingdom within us all along.  

Seek first the kingdom, which IS within, and all else will be added, because we realize it’s always been there.

If we’re looking outside, in the world, we’ll continue cycling through disappointment.  Enough.
The Love of God is what we are.  And that’s the cause of our Peace.  Now and forever.

If you’d like my help developing a spiritual practice of Self-care that clears out the old patterns of past beliefs in order to move out of the unconscious guilt and punishing yourself, blaming others, living like a victim or a martyr, feeling guilty and ashamed, please check out my Finding Freedom From Fear Spiritual Bootcamp class – it’s designed to be a rocket booster for your spiritual journey.

If you feel you’ve been holding yourself back and letting fear decide, this might be your answered prayer!

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