Once upon a time, I received a letter from a dear friend who told me that something I’d said a year before had hurt her feelings. My friend, I’ll call her Barb, who lived just a few miles from me, wrote a 4 page letter to tell me that she’d hd been upset about this for a year and she just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Barb had to let me know because it was standing between us and she wanted to clear the path of our friendship.

I read the letter and I did feel a little bit guilty. The thing I’d said had definitely had some judgment in it, but it wasn’t meant to hurt her. She’d been looking to get a job on a television show that I thought was a low brow, low quality show, and I believed she could do better.

In reading her letter, it was clear that she could never have been upset if she hadn’t had the same judgment about herself, and that she could do better.

I wrote Barb my own 4 page letter telling her how much I loved her and letting her know I had no intention to hurt her feelings. I apologized. I let her know how important her feelings were to me.

Then, because I could feel that I definitely did have some ego reaction going on, I called up my dear friend Sandy and asked her if I could read Barb’s letter and my letter and see what she thought. I wished to get a second opinion before I sent my letter off.

Sandy listened patiently as I read the two long letters. At the end of it she said, “that’s really good. It’s a beautiful letter. And that’s exactly what I’d do, Jenn, but you’re better than that. You have the courage to pick up the phone and call Barb and that would be so much more effective.”

WOW! What a brilliant idea!

I knew immediately she was right. I did have that courage. And it would be much more loving. It would show that I really cared and was coming from the heart.

In truth, I’d written the letter to defend myself. I knew it, deep down, I couldn’t fool myself. That’s why I called Sandy and read her the two letters. I knew that something wasn’t right and I didn’t want to respond to Barb with something less than wholly loving. I’m so glad I followed my guidance!

I still felt a little bit of resistance to calling Barb because I believed there was a possibility that Barb would chastise, then blame and shame me. And I knew that those feelings of trepidation came from my own sense of unworthiness that was coming up for healing.

I knew I had to put Love first and TRUST Love. So I called Barb, left a voicemail, and asked if we could make a plan to see each other and talk. I made sure to say that I was so glad she’d written to me because I would’ve had no way to know that she’d been offended and I definitely didn’t intend to hurt her feelings by my comments.

Barb and I got together and we cleared the air. In our meeting, I found out that she really didn’t want to take responsibility for her feelings and that she really was judging herself and I’d just brought it to her attention. She didn’t say any of that directly, but it was clear.

My friendship was confrontative to her about where she might be judging herself and making decisions based on that and she wasn’t interested in that. We had a very civil and loving conversation. I’m so glad we saw each other, but I realized that continuing our friendship was mostly up to her.

That was a time when I was learning that I do activate people’s unhealed stuff. And they activate mine. And together we can have a healing or we can revisit an old wound and dig around in it, reaffirming the wound, making it “real”.

Some people aren’t done with the old wound yet and they don’t wish to look at their stuff for the purpose of healing – and that’s what I do. I would rather look at it, heal it and move on. I’ve had a number of relationships fall away because people aren’t interested in that and I’ve learned to respect their choice.

And maybe some people don’t wish to do their inner work at the pace I’m doing mine. Some would like to go faster and some would like to go slower and that’s perfectly good.

It’s always a choice between the new heaven and the new earth or the old hell revisited.

Of course I understand that in the actual moment of the “insult” Barb didn’t feel comfortable saying something to me. And in the times I’d seen her since then, she hadn’t felt comfortable either, so she wrote her letter to say how she felt – and to blame me for how she felt. The letter was also to defend herself (which she’d probably been doing for a year in her mind) and maybe to get even.

And, you know what? I can handle all of that. People do act in all kinds of crazy egotistical ways and so do I. And we’re here to help each other with it and not judge them (or ourselves) for it. We’re here to have compassion for them when they’re believing the stinking thinking, and for ourselves too.

When we have compassion for them at that precise moment that they’re most believing the made up story of the past, that’s when they can have a healing and we can too. Our compassion heals us both. That’s why A Course in Miracles tells us that our brother is our savior. They call us into our loving hearts.

We’re here to answer that call.

Barb blamed me for her feelings even though, she knew I had zero INTENTION to hurt or insult her. She’d been hurt and insulted by her own interpretation and she was projecting it on me.

And don’t we all do that so often?

We can go the other way.

We can turn the pain into fertilizer. That’s what I did, with Spirit’s help in the form of Sandy advising me to call Barb rather than send my letter. I had a true healing because of Sandy. I never saw Barb or heard from her again and so I don’t know what happened with her, but I can tell you, if she called me today I’d be thrilled to hear from her.

Life is perfect. Always.
There are no mistakes. Only mis-takes. Misperceptions and misinterpretations.
Every unloving choice leads to a learning if we allow it.

Allowing, being willing to accept that there’s good encoded into if we’re willing to receive it we will, that’s the key.

All too often we fall asleep at the wheel. We forget where we’re going and we become VERY side-tracked. In ACIM, Jesus tells us we’re “far too tolerant of mind-wandering.” We can wander in the desert for 40 years if we aren’t paying attention, but even if we do, we’ll learn something exquisite from it that we can share with others and bless the whole world.

To learn anything at all, in any way, is a blessing! Let us receive our blessings!

And let us decide not judge ourselves as slow learners. Forgiveness is the way.

It takes tremendous willingness not to be distracted and to stay focused on what’s most important. It takes cultivating a real, deep and abiding Self-Love not to be side-tracked with blame, shame and judgment.

This is what I’m all about, keeping on track. It’s not easy, but there’s nothing more worthwhile.
Some of the best help comes in the most difficult ways. And IF we’re willing to grow through it rather than resist the whole way, it doesn’t have to be painful.

In A Course in Miracles Workbook Lesson 190 we’re told:
“Pain is a wrong perspective.  When it is experienced in any form, it is a proof of self-deception.  It is not a fact at all.  There is no form it takes that will not disappear if seen aright.“

We forget that, don’t we?

Or maybe we don’t believe it.

So, our willingness to see things correctly, and to take our judgments out of it, will support our living in Peace and living in our right mind, which is Peace.

There’s great healing, great Peace and great Love available to us when we choose it.

My experience with my friend was bringing things to the Light. I learned a lot and I had real expansion because I was willing to hear what she was saying to me and not move into defend and attack. My heart opened and so did my mind.

There’s always an option to love more fully and rise above the battlefield and it’s a way to live a much higher quality of life.

Forgiveness clears our mind so we can see and feel, hear and know more clearly and that brings benefit to all. Clearing the mental and emotional clutter brings great relief.

TODAY: Sundays With Spirit – I’m speaking, come and join me and we’ll rise up together!  Inspirational gathering at 5pm eastern – all are invited.  Register to get the zoom link.

DEEP DIVE WORKSHOP:   Cultivating Self-Love for Relationship Healing One of the hardest things we deal with is the pain of a failing relationship. We recognize our part in it and we make the meaning of the failure that we are a failure at life itself. We often conclude that we’re unlovable. ALL of that can be turned around and undone – if we’re willing. That’s why I’m offering this workshop just in time for Valentine’s Day – make it a gift to yourself! Register now – Cultivating Self-Love for Relationship Healing

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